Hiding Behind the Online Veil

Online we can be anything we want; hot, smart, a professional athlete or even a total douchebag.

The Internet gives us ambiguity that we don’t have in real life. We can say anything, true or not, and no one will know. This is bad enough, but it also appears to embolden men who are online dating.

The initial message a guy sends is like him approaching in a bar or elsewhere IRL, but what they say often is not at all like how a man would speak to you in the real world. #Godwilling

Apparently, wearing a Harry Potter shield of online invisibility, empowers these assholes to say things that are so utterly inappropriate and offensive that I am left shaking my head, struggling to reconcile that this level of crassness and douchebagness is what I am dealing with, and thinking “does your mother know this is how you talk to women?” #sadstateofaffairs

Here’s a sampling of actual messages I have recently received #nofilter:

Justforfunbi (no comment on that) writes: “Wow. Stunning. Would let a younger guy go down on you?”

MNtoAZguy writes: “Want to have some fun? Ever been with an uncut guy” ​

AgentFarnsworth writes: “Netflix and chill this morning? I have a few things to drink like fireball and UV blue if that’s your cup of tea”

Are you freaking kidding me?

Why in the hell does anyone think this is an appropriate way to talk to a stranger? Is it just a sign of a larger problem that we have in this society? The more connected online we are, the more disconnected we are in forging real connection and treating each other with respect. Can you imagine if a man would have spewed this kind of crap while courting your Grandmother or your mother? Of course you can’t. There would have been consequences if he had. Today, in a world that is more Matrix than Mulberry there are no consequences. People can say what they want hiding behind a stupid username and the invisibility that the online world provides.

Today 33% of marriages start online. What is the story of how we met that we’re going to tell our grandchildren? Oh, I knew he was the one when he asked if I liked uncut guys. NOT!

I think the Internet can be a great way to meet someone we otherwise never would have but c’mon guys, lets return civility to courting. Just because you’re approaching via a screen rather than in person shouldn’t give you the right to be a total douchebag.

Maybe it’s Me

So, I’ve been dating for several years, dated upwards of a hundred guys, had four boyfriends, yet I’m single. In fact, it’s pushing two years since I’ve had a steady boyfriend. #ugh

This got me thinking are all of these guys wrong or is it me? Am I looking for reasons to say “no” instead of reasons to say “yes”? #freud

I like to think I’m very open, and with friends I am. A total open book. Hell, I write a blog for the world to read about my personal life. But when it comes to men, I think my book turns into an old fashioned diary with a lock and key. And maybe some chain links and padding around it for good measure. I am not trying to do this, but I think I am.

My heart was shattered by my ex and while I’m pretty well healed, I think something like that just may leave some really long lasting (read:lifelong) scars. I never ever want to go through that again and I think my battered heart has built some pretty tall, hard to scale walls.

To be fair, a few men have gotten through it, and in relatively quick order, but not most. Examining things I see my pattern is to either like a guy or more often, be neutral after a date or two, and then I start to come up with reasons why he won’t work:

He texts too much
He texts too little
He likes me too much
He doesn’t like me enough
He’s not cute enough
He’s a workaholic
He’s not ambitious enough
He’s not sophisticated enough
He’s too old
He’s too young

You get the picture #Ican’tbepleased

While there is no doubt that I have gone out with a few losers, are they all losers? Or am I simply going to see everyone as a loser? I say I want a long-term relationship, but maybe deep down, I don’t?

Interesting point to ponder eh?

No one’s perfect, including me. I know this, but it seems that unless Mr Perfect materializes, Mr. everybody else is being kicked to the curb.

Now this could be I simply haven’t met Mr. Right yet, or it could be I have met someone who could have been Mr. Right, but the timing wasn’t there. Perhaps more “me” work is still needed before I get my fairy tale ending?

The need for low-tech in dating

All of dating today seems to be a high-tech experience.

It starts right from the get-go, meeting most of my dates online, or even a few (gulp) on Tinder #onlinedatingmadeworse

When the relationship starts electronically, it’s no surprise that it graduates to texting. After all most of our communication in general these days are via text.

This is where it all starts to go wrong.

Texting is great for things like “I’m at the table in the back of Starbucks” it’s not the medium to use for conversations to try and get to know someone and it doesn’t replace talking once you have a relationship. Except it has. And I’m as guilty as it as you are.

In the past, we’d at least pick up the phone to talk to someone, but texting has made it so much easier. I can just shoot you a message, make it seem like I’m interested, but not have to risk being sucked into a long conversation I may not be in the mood or have the time to have.

Men used to call up and ask you out, now they do it by text. #chivalryisdead

All this fake communication leads to misinterpretation #shock

“What does he mean by this?” “Why did he only say two word?” “Why didn’t he ask me any questions?”

I’ve said all that and have had girlfriend’s ask the same #texttranslater

Text creates problems. Texting can put the brakes on a fledgling relationship before it ever gets going. I’m sure this has happened in my dating past.

We think our devices give us instant connection to anyone, instead they’re causing severe disconnection.

Ladies, if a guy seems like a keeper, stop texting! Remember your phone? It actually still works like an old school phone. Pick it up, dial, talk to the guy. Yes, really talk.

And if a guy texts you, text him back and tell him you’ll answer him when he calls you. Or pick up the phone and do it yourself.

Is Chemistry a BAD Thing?

I’m a sucker for chemistry. I bet you are too. Who doesn’t want to feel butterflies, physical attraction, excitement and more? Chemistry is that special something that is elusive. I’ve dated a ton of men, but in my life, I’ve had off the charts chemistry with only three people. Three out of hundred +. Even being bad at math, I’m pretty certain that ain’t a good percentage.

And when I’ve felt this incredible allure, I’ve followed it. The only problem is that where it lead was nowhere good #downtherabbithole

So this got me thinking, is this off-the-charts chemistry a sign that all you have is that and nothing more? A good relationship is a delicate balance of many things, including chemistry, but maybe crazy chemistry is a sign that you DON’T have what it takes to last. Lust not love. Short-term, not enough to go the distance? Just like if you had a crazy connection centered around intellectual conversation and zero chemistry. I’m betting that wouldn’t last either. A long-term relationship is like one of those complicated recipes I see in gourmet cookbooks containing a multitude of ingredients and steps. The kind that usually scares me away before I start and I pick the “in three ingredients” option instead.

Looking back, my first experience with crazy chemistry was when I was 20. We met on a trip. We kept in contact. I saw him two other times. Both were disasters. Amazingly, we never slept together. God stepped in at just the right moment to bitch slap me #universeworksinmysteriousways
Despite the two bad meetings, we kept in contact until I met crazy chemistry man #2. I hadn’t had any contact with this guy for 20 years and then got a hair up my ass to friend him on social media. He duitifully followed my adventures for a year, but never wrote to me directly, a like here, a like there. That was fine. He was married with kids. I didn’t want anything anymore and I was happy he was happy. Only he apparently wasn’t. After a year he made an offer to meet up with me again. It was obvious it wasn’t to have coffee and a few laughs. I was disappointed. Big time. Here was a guy I really liked at one point and he showed his true colors. A cheat. #beentherehavethet-shirtalready Crazy chemistry boy #1 verdict: thumbs down!

Crazy chemistry boy #2 could sort of blow the “it can only be short-term lust” theory a bit, but just a bit. #waitforit
See, I married crazy chemistry #2 and lust did turn to love and while it lasted a long time, it didn’t last the lifetime that marriage should last #iwantedthefairytale. And in the end crazy chemistry boy #2 also proved to be a cheat. Only this time this cheater broke MY heart. Crazy chemistry boy #2 verdict: thumbs down!

Crazy chemistry boy #3 was probably the strongest chemistry of all #shouldhavebeenasign
You’ve seen Hollywood movies where they take one glance across the room and beeline for each other? Yea that happened. Crazy flirting ensued. I finally felt something again after my divorce and I was all into it, even though my head was screaming “Nooooooooooo”. I followed my gut, er, I mean my raging hormones to some really bad decision making. Crazy chemistry boy #3 was and is a total douchebag. The worst thing is that I knew he was a player and I still followed the chemistry. He actually sits on the top of my list of regrets when it comes to men. So crazy chemistry boy #3 verdict: thumbs down!

So what’s a girl to do? How do you know when you have enough chemistry to have passion, but not so much that it overrides all else?

Thankful For Being Single?

Today is Thanksgiving, and as I’m reflecting on all the things I’m grateful for, I’m remembering a conversation with my friend, lets call her Dr. Smiles, who told me that she had a moment where her thought was “Thank God I’m single”.

Now, I very much want to be in a committed relationship, but this got me thinking about perception. Instead of lamenting the fact that there hasn’t been a guy I’ve wanted to commit to in over 1.5 years, if I changed my focus, I actually could see all the benefits in this. We always want what we don’t have #grassisgreenersyndrome so I’ve decided to see the gift in my situation and came up with a few reasons why I’m HAPPY to be footloose and fancy free

1. I don’t answer to anyone. If I want to eat Chex for dinner and figure out what wine might possibly pair with it, no one is going to stop me. Conversely, if I want to go eat at the fanciest place in town no one is going to complain that spending $$$$ on a five-star dinner on Tuesday is dumb #celebratelife

2. I own the remote: Yep, I don’t watch shows I don’t want to watch anymore. If I want to binge watch Scandal or Pretty Little Liars #guiltypleasure no one is going to complain. I can now watch football whenever I want too. Yep, my ex hated sports. #whohatesthepackers

3. I don’t have to factor anyone elses wants into any decision.

4. I can date multiple men. I’m not committed to anyone. If I want to date five guys in a week, I can.

5. I don’t ride a roller coaster every day of my life anymore. Anyone who’s lived with someone who has bipolar depression knows what that’s like #walkoneggshells

6. I don’t get criticized for how I work, how I load a dishwasher, how I walk, how I drive etc. by anyone

7. I don’t put up men who treat me bad. #enoughsaid

8. Travel. I’m a travel writer. With no SO in my life I don’t feel guilty when I leave town, nor do I feel pressured to try and bring said SO along with me on a work trip.

9. I cry less. A lot less

10. I value my friendships as much as any relationship with a man. #smartgirl

Need vs. Want

In a call today one of my friend’s declared that she had a revelation about dating….#waitforit

“I don’t need a man,” she said.

I was happy to hear that and my first thought was duh. But I think so often we women say “I need a man” but what we really should say is “I want a man” #thisisn’t1950

I don’t need a man either. However I want one.

I don’t need a man to support me financially, but I would like some emotional support. Not that I had that when I had a man, but a girl can dream right?

I miss having a man around. I miss having big arms wrap around me when I’m feeling down. I miss having someone to talk to about my day and by God, I miss making love.

Sure I can function without a man. I can function at a hotel without robes and slippers too, but I’d prefer they were there! I’m a totally independent woman #Gloriaproud but I’m also not ashamed to say I want a man.

I just don’t NEED one.

Pedophile NOT Wanted

“No convicted or accused pedophiles need apply”

Yep, that’s the new disclaimer I apparently need to make on my online dating profile. I never thought to include “must not like little girls or boys” as part of what I don’t want. #lessonlearned

How did this come about? Rewind to a meet for a drink first meeting about a month ago. Like many of my first meetings, it was fine. I didn’t feel butterflies, see rainbows or have an overwhelming feeling that there was an aisle to walk down in my future, but I also felt the evening was better than a night of Gilmore Girls on Netflix #solonetflixandchill

The guy gave me his card, so of course armed with a full name the journalist (read: private eye) in me was ready to do some research. #thanksgoogle

Hmmm, now what is this court case that pops up as the #2 result?

Well, that would be a decade plus old story about how this guy’s then young daughter supposedly came home to the ex wife saying “Daddy touched me”.

Not cool, but being a journalist, I dig deeper to see if I can find out if it was true, did the guy get convicted? Serve time? #noexcons

While I wasn’t able to determine if he was prosecuted, in the course of research I found out that he was lying about his age. If you know me, you know that I will walk the second I find this out because if you’re willing to lie about something so small, you will lie about something much bigger #virtualwingmanlaw

Of course Mr. Lying Pedophile liked me…I do look young for my age 😉 I asked a male friend how to get rid of this guy. His answer:

“Tell him you don’t want kids” #ROFL

Awkward Guy or Creepy Guy?

Too often we give a guy a pass. Oh, he’s awkward. Oh, he’s shy. No, more often than not, he’s simply creepy. AND he knows it.

The awkward and shy facade is just that, a mask he wears to excuse behavior that is inexcusable.

A few months ago I ran into this guy and of course, being a kind (read: dumb) girl, I tried to explain away the things that he occasionally did because despite them, he initially struck me as a nice guy #gutcheck

The first red flag, or BBC, if you’ve read my prior posts, was a text exchange where we were talking about doing the tango and he suddenly sends me this:

“I could leg sweep you in the parking lot because you’d be in your sexy heels and wouldn’t be able to run away”

Ummmm, what? #disturbing

Why does this man want to trip me in a parking lot and revel in the fact that in my CFM shoes I couldn’t get away? This sounds like a latent fantasy to rape me in 2B of the Quarter. Wasn’t dancing a whole lot more romantic?

And really that should have been it. I should have been so creeped out that I ran for the hills.

But no, not me #dumbass

I chalk it up to things being misconstrued via text and him maybe thinking he was funny? #excusesexcuses

And instead of dumping him, I continue to see him. Mind you, avoiding being in any parking garage with Mr. Wonderful. #whataplan

Next comes a round of texts when he’s out of the country and tells me he might bring me back a souvenir. #mycreepyguywenttoAustraliaandallIgotwaslegsweepedinaparkinggarage T-shirt?

When he returns and we meet up he tells me he did indeed buy me a gift, but at this stage it was “inappropriate” to give me. #WTF
He shows me a picture of it then, all wrapped up looking like something from Tasmania’s version of Victoria’s Secret.

Hint, if you know something is inappropriate to give me, maybe don’t buy it? Or at the very least shut up about it until if and when it ever becomes appropriate to gift?

And did I run? Nope, not yet #whatdoesittake

The final straw was when he said he wanted to do something quirky for our next date and texted me the choices of….sex with a stranger at the theater, a burlesque show or something else.

Bing. Bing. Bing. Cue girl to finally wake up.

I tell him he’s creeping me out and wouldn’t you know he tells me that I’ve got it all wrong, and oh boy, gee whiz, he never meant to make me feel uncomfortable and sometimes his humor doesn’t come across well and….blah blah blah

At the end of the day I think he knew exactly what he was doing. He was pushing me to see how far he could push me. Just how much of a creep could he be and when he got called out he played the awkward card. And I’m here calling bullshit ladies. These men aren’t awkward, they aren’t harmless. They’re creeps and they’re playing you.

The Crying Game

I remember watching Cameron Diaz in “The Holiday” explaining to Jude Law how she couldn’t cry and thought how weird that was. Who couldn’t cry?

Now I find myself in the same predicament.

During the destruction of my marriage and divorce I cried more tears than I thought any person had in them. Now I wonder if maybe I used up my allotment.

During that time period almost anything could reduce me to a blubbering mess if I were alone. Today it seems that nothing can.

Several months ago I went to see “A Fault in Our Stars”. Every review suggested I should not only bring, but buy stock in Kleenex. Yet, not a drop did I shed.

Crying is a way of letting out emotions, so what does it say that I can’t? I’ve gone so far as to Google it. The all-knowing Internet suggests that I experienced so much trauma in my past that I now have a repressed emotional response or that I am secretly depressed and don’t know it.

Maybe. Overall I feel life is good, but there are a few key areas where I am definitely sad and frustrated. This weekend I felt like total shit, one of the lowest places I’ve been in this lovely dating experience. I wanted to cry dammit and I couldn’t.

That only made me more frustrated!

Is it normal not to be able to cry when you want to?

Laboring with Dating

Over Labor Day weekend I actually went on a good date. #shocking

The guy had traveled to every continent on earth. A good sign. He liked theater and cooking. Thumbs up. And, this is a biggie, I was physically attracted to him.

We had a pleasant lunch where he kept talking an hour after we had finished and payed the bill. He indicated he had a good time and would like to see me again. Based on recent experience I put no stock in this #cynical

He texted me on Labor Day and invited me over to taste the macaroons he had made. However I was at the spa and then headed to a party at a girlfriends. I tell him this and he responds “I knew you wouldn’t come” #petulantchild

Let me back up and say he displayed BBCs on the first date. He was clearly hung up on an ex and was seeing a shrink and just started taking anti-depressant meds. Based on the history with my ex husband this was concerning. But being the dumb girl, I was impressed that at least this guy recognized he needed help and was seeking it.

He had asked me to text him when I left my party, on the off chance I would want to get together. I was wiped out and didn’t. I suggested meeting later in the week, to which he replied “sounds good” . And I knew that was a blow off. And sure enough I haven’t heard a peep from him in over a week. #anotheronebitesthedust.

In this case, I’m sure God is keeping me from repeating a mistake, so I’ll just say Thank you and move on.